He loves driving. It lets him get out of his house, away from his dysfunctional family. He walks out of his house, gets in his car, and puts his seat belt on. The sky is unlit and eerie this afternoon. He turns right, out of his neighborhood, heading anywhere that’s away from his house.
Tiny drops of water slowly start falling from the sky, hitting the car. He continues driving, wondering where he will end up by the end of the drive, by the end of his life. Whether he will be a success or a failure. Whether he will have enjoyed his time or wish it ended earlier. Whether he will die with someone or die alone.
Buzz. Buzz.
He startles, looking down for what made the noise.
Right, he thinks with an awkward laugh. My phone.
The screen is lit with the word “Mom”. He thinks about answering but decides against it, and hits the decline button.
Besides, she’s probably only calling because she needs something, he tells himself.
He looks out the window. Looking not only at the rolling hills of random plants but at the variety. Violet meadow cranesbill, white tulips, and bright red poppies. On a normal day, this would be breathtaking, but with the sky so dark, it takes the life out of it. The view gives his mind an excuse to wander. He thinks about how each and every single flower used to be a seed. About how each seed traveled in the wind to stop at its current location. How each tiny seed sprouted and bloomed. How each seed became these beautiful flowers. He decides that he is nothing like a flower. He doesn’t know where to stop in the wind. He doesn’t know how to bloom.
The rain starts to pick up, and he focuses on the road once again. He thinks about heading home for the day since he can barely see through the windshield, but he doesn’t want to go back to his hell just yet.
He wants adventure. He yearns for adventure, to see. See things that no one has seen, to do things that most sane people wouldn’t dare think about doing. He wants to be known. Remembered. But when he thinks about it, he doesn’t know how he would ever be able to do any of those things his mind comes up blank. Tears fill his eyes. He can’t even escape his own house, but when he manages to do so, it’s just temporary. He knows every time he leaves his house that he will have no choice but to go back. He will forever be stuck there.
A few cars whoosh by, their headlights blinding him. The only thing that he can hear is the rain pouring on the car, or maybe it’s just the roaring in his head. He can’t stand it. He pulls over his car and unbuckles his seat belt. He fumbles for the door handle, gets out of his car, and lies down in the middle of the road. Letting the rain hit him with unrelenting force.
“I deserve this,” he whispers to himself.
Not knowing exactly why he ‘deserves this’.
He says it over and over again until he starts crying.
Until his whole body is shaking with each sob, of each drop of water on his body. He lies there for a little while longer. Once his sobs lighten up a bit he slowly sits up, stumbles back to his car, and gets inside. Soaking wet, he puts his seat belt back on. He turns his car around in the direction he came from and starts to drive again. Alone in his car silently crying, wishing he had a different life or just no life at all.
Lightning strikes in the distance. The rain is still pouring. He continues crying. He looks down at his lap, ashamed to look anywhere else.
He feels the rumble strips vibrate his car and he looks up instantly to see a car driving on his side of the road.
Wait a second, he thinks. I’m on their side of the road.
While the person in the other car honks at him, he immediately swerves back into his lane.
His car hydroplanes from the movement. Fortunately, he doesn’t go off the road. Once he is back in control of his car he slows down and pulls over on the side of the road. As he tries to get his breathing under control, he realizes that he doesn’t want his life to end at all. He can hear his heart beating in his chest, in his ears. He absently thinks that if anyone else were in the car with him that they would surely hear it.
He officially decides to go back to his hell. He starts driving again, seeing the hills of beautiful flowers. The rain finally starts to give way. He can see the stars now. He makes sure to focus on the road but still looks up through the windshield in amazement.
In amazement because stars live for millions of years.
Billions.
Technically alone.
Stars look like they are close together from Earth. In reality, they are about 5 light-years apart. Which may not seem like a long distance but that is approximately 30 trillion miles. Stars form in a nebula, which is a cloud of dust and gas, and stay there for about 10,000 years. Then, they go into the ‘main sequence’ and stay there for about 10 billion years. After those 10 billion years, the star starts to die. So, not only do stars die apart they live apart.
Deep inside him, that is his greatest fear.
To live apart; alone.
To die alone.
He turns left into his neighborhood. He pulls into his driveway, sighs, unbuckles his seat belt, and gets out of his car. He starts to walk up to his door.
Swish swish.
He looks down to find himself still soaked from laying in the rain.
Hopefully, no one’s awake, he thinks to himself.
He quietly opens the door and walks into his house.
His mom walks around the corner, “Where have you been!” She yells not entirely a question.
“And why are you soaked?” She says distastefully.
With his head hanging and shoulders slumped, he walks past her as she continues to yell at him. He drowns out the noise and just mutters, “I hate driving.”
