Quilt Week

Quilt Week

Tristan Cates, Messenger Reporter

Quilt week has become a household term for many Paducah residents due to its notorious traffic and overall annoyance to the residents of our small town. This phenomena occurs twice a year and brings thousands of people to our town to celebrate and cherish their art form. The people of Paducah may find this week unbearable due to the large influx of people but it provides a boom for local business and tourist destinations. Downtown becomes overrun with visiting faces trying to enjoy the localized culture and community we have created. So despite the traffic and general disdain a large group of quilters may cause, they still do a lot for our town! That being said, here is a 5  step guide to surviving quilt week!

  1. Shred your driver’s license
  • You won’t be needing this thing if traffic is backed up from here to the sun! At this point there if you don’t make it home quick enough a quilter might take your own driveway because they ran out of spots downtown and “it’s for their art,” so put that baby in park and take out the ol’ shredder and get to work.
  1. Make reservations three months in advance
  • The prom and quilt week wombo combo is sure to have you sacrificing your first born just for a spot on the waitlist. It is rumored that Italian Grille is booked until 2020 so just go ahead and start scheduling now…you don’t want to miss out on refined Italian cuisine on your big night.
  1. Downtown doesn’t exist anymore

R.ip. our girl downtown Paducah may she rest in peace. The town of Paducah has reached its capacity and has finally croaked but don’t try to attend the visitation it already has a waitlist filled with quilters.

  1. Bar your windows and doors
  • The apocalypse is upon us and we must take shelter against the invasion, they will do anything to find the best local spots to meet so hide before they come looking for you.
  1. Move as far away as possible
  • Might I recommend Florida…the Soviet Union…the Sun. Anything is better than sitting at home dreading your existence for a week