By the time this newspaper comes out the Senior class will already be out of school. It is with a heavy heart that this message will not be able to reach them in time. The only thing that drives forth this feeling of virtue is the hope that the underclassman will learn how to properly behave during a graduation ceremony. These will be guidelines purely for spectators and not the actual graduates, mostly because that audience isn’t currently present.

Here’s the scene: Marquette Stadium, May 25th. You came out to see your friend/family member graduate. Mr. Ceglinski rolls out onto the field riding a segway. No one seems to know where he got it from, but its inclusion satisfies the question asking why the stage has a ramp instead of stairs. The stadium speakers let out a nice echo as they’re powered on, and the microphone that has been haphazardly duct-taped to the miracle segway has firmly decided that now would be a good time for some audio feedback. As the deafening ringing subsides, Mr. Ceglinski makes his opening remarks. You have now stopped paying attention.

This seems like a good time to pull out your phone, maybe google how much a segway costs. Maybe google how to hotwire a segway. The page takes some time to load because the service out by the football field is only matched by the head coaches serving on that field – it comes and goes frequently. So while you wait for the page to finish loading, might as well tune back in just in time to hear Mr. Ceglinski conclude his opening remarks. You hear, “-and please, hold your applause until the end”. The audience applauds.

Pomp and Circumstance floats out of the speakers as the Senior class takes their seats. It becomes painfully obvious that most of the senior class is severely uncomfortable. There’s a reason why the Roman Empire fell, and it wasn’t because of increasing government instability matched with territorial expansion without a stable economy to support it, alongside a growingly displeased populace. It was because they wore gowns casually.

The senior chosen to speak makes their way towards the stage. It’s a girl. Her gown is a little bit too long. She makes it to the ramp. The clicking sound when she hits the ramp implies she’s wearing heels. She doesn’t get past the ramp. The microphone loops again.

While the ambulance is making the return trip; the names of seniors are announced, signalling them to take their shoes off and walk across the stage. About halfway through, the name of [INSERT FRIEND/FAMILY NAME HERE] is finally rung throughout the stadium. I ask this question; is that a good time to applaud?