Hey remember last year when the Nintendo Switch released and people were like, “Woah hey check it out it’s like the Wii U but it doesn’t suck,” but in reality it was only good because it had that one Legend of Zelda game and literally nothing else for the first three months? If you thought yes, then you are incorrect and should feel bad because of it. Only one month after the Switch released, a certain game was silently released to the masses that would eventually cause the mass disappearance of bee colonies and single handedly push the United States government to increase federal funding to poison control centers. I’m talking about the megalomaniac monstrosity that is, Puyo Puyo Tetris.

For those unaware, Tetris is a game originally released in 2005 for the Xbox 360, and was developed by world famous producer Stanley Kubrick. The game was conceptualized to be a first person shooter, so when I bought this game from a night market street vendor for twenty five Australian Dollars my expectations were high. Begrudgingly, my expectations were met with a disappointment only matched by my father’s when I told him I was going to major in gender studies.

For starters, the Graphics are awful. Relative to other popular titles at the time of its release such as, Minecraft, Game of Thrones, and those Magic 8 Ball toys, the effort put into Tetris is abysmal. There’s like a total of 240 pixels on screen, how do you expect people to play a game if they can’t even see it Mr. Kubrick!? And don’t even get me started on the story, I would like to say it’s bad, but you can’t gauge something that isn’t there. The story for Puyo Puyo Tetris is that blocks fall from the sky and you have to genocide the blocks so they don’t overwhelm your control of the land. The parallels to Nazi Germany in the story are obvious seeing as Stanley^3 drew inspiration for the story from 20th century europe.

The voice acting leaves much to be desired. While the character designs are incredibly well articulated including memorable characters such as the “Z block” and the “L Block” the Voice Actors fail to do them any justice. Ask yourself what a couple of blocks being erased from existence sounds like? Exactly, apparently Mr. “Cute Brick” didn’t know what that sounded like either when he began casting. Also the character development is so weak that I barely feel anything when the characters are killed off when the player wipes the board. When I bought this game for $4.99 from a happy meal box I expected to feel joy in my devoid life once again. Sadly, Mr. “La Cucaracha” failed on every account to deliver. On that note what on earth is Puyo Puyo, no one ever told me.

So yeah I give Puyo Puyo Tetris a 7/10.